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Post by ilina on May 29, 2016 15:21:59 GMT -8
well; to put it in Persona terms, i have multiple inner selves fighting for control. i'm pretty much that protagonist who ends up with the fool Arcana and has way too many conflicting and contradictory inner selves.
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Post by Kainguru on May 29, 2016 15:36:59 GMT -8
Yeah, this isn't Tumblr . . . Aaron
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Post by ayslyn on May 29, 2016 21:05:02 GMT -8
O.o
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Post by Kainguru on May 30, 2016 3:02:42 GMT -8
So, Ilina, what you appear to be hinting at now is that you have a Disassociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder)? Wow, just wow . . . still, at least you are not claiming to be Otherkin or some other such pseudopsychobabble. If this is the case then, as I said before, you need to do some real world work with yourself: I say work because therapy isn't about trotting along once week and paying someone to 'fix' you. Therapy is about the therapist helping you help yourself - if your therapist doesn't hold to that caveat then they're either in it for the money (nothing earns better than a client that never has a resolution) or they're from the school of 'let's-not-let-science-and-empirical-evidence-get-in-the-way-of-pseudopsychology'. Let's assume you have an ASD, though I'll admit that is at odds with some of the identities you have presented on this forum, then you need to work on your social awareness, your mindfulness and engagement with the social world. Not an easy ask, but it does entirely change the context of nearly every post you have made criticizing your gaming group as you (as I have already pointed out) have lensed these interactions thru an impaired social filter. A bit like asking a car repair forum for mechanical repair advice, and going to great lengths to describe the mechanical problem, when, in fact, you have a boat. Again, assuming you have social interaction problems, due to ASD then there are certain caveats that need to be made explicit: 1) This is a gaming forum, we talk about games and shit. Yes, we'll offer support etc when members are troubled by real life . . . but we are gamers nothing else. 2) Having ASD doesn't entitle you to jack-shit when you talk shit about others: ie: your recent comments on Gary Gygax are surprising given you were disparaging him for displaying the characteristics of the very same neurodevelopmental disorder as yourself. Besides, as I said then, 'love him or hate him show a bit of fucking respect for the dead'. 3) Having ASD doesn't entitle you to have your personal historical narrative accepted as fact when contradicted by evidence of the facts. It doesn't entitle you hang shit on self-confessed grognards or the OSR without being challenged. Come on, face it, nearly every post that brings up any edition of DnD before 3rd Ed is met by your snide comments about how evil that system was and how wicked those that play(ed) it are(were): that's a bit like me complaining about the conduct of troops in the Vietnam War when all I have to go on is what I saw on the News as a child and 'Apocalypse Now'. 4) Having ASD or an internal conflict of identities (though, TBH, one normally precludes the other) doesn't give you an exemption from persistently using sexually charged imagery in your posts. Sexually charged imagery which borders on the unacceptably pornographic vis-a-vis your preoccupation with childlike phenotypes, again this has been pointed out repeatedly. Claiming to channel being a Weeaboo (WeeabooKin?) doesn't give you a free pass to express yourself like this - especially as anthropologists/sociologists have described in detail how, in Japanese culture, it's not that it is accepted or the norm rather that it is uncomfortably tolerated. Interestingly there is a cultural shift in Japan itself as it attempts to address this issue - though I oppose censorship as a general principle I have to applaud the Liberal Democratic Party of Japan for seeking to ban Lolicon in 2011. Given that this 'space' is not Japan there is no implied contract of tolerance for this imagery. May your future interactions be far more constructive than they have been . . . Aaron
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Post by ilina on May 30, 2016 17:27:10 GMT -8
being a Weeaboo who enjoys anime with epic pint sized protagonists that don't even look a fraction of thier age does nothing to hint towards a predatory attitude towards children. just because i strongly enjoy animated works of these categories doesn't mean i'm the type of person who would do those things to your daughters. IRL, children aren't even a blip on my radar. i mean sure, i might find the adult nonhuman childlike protagonist Extremely Endearing. but i know it is a construct of Anime and nowhere near realistic.
i play characters that befit the genre that has consumed me. sometimes these characters manifest as alternate identities. but my desire to be a small framed and cute female; is contrary to a lot of the info i give. i'm a train wreck, but most of the players in some of my groups are even worse trainwrecks
i'm a Lolikin. an otherkin that identifies as a small and cute adult woman who does the child act. at least i'm not a half dragon or anything. i just identify as a short woman that puts up the child act. a lot of my inner selves, are personae i channel through roleplay. is consistently wanting to play the role of a short and slender woman with an eating disorder who does the child act really that bad? i mean, some people consistently play tall skinny pointy eared smart people or short, stocky, buff warrior people.
i would like to apologize about some of the things i said or did that offended any of you. can we all just put away the torches and pitchforks? i would be willing to be reeducated on 2e with a new group if somebody was willing.
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Post by ilina on May 30, 2016 18:06:35 GMT -8
i am willing to put away my torches and pitchforks aimed against OSR if you all put away the torches and pitchforks you have directed at me. and the Subject of Ilina the Roleplayer and Her identity, is a Subject Ilina would rather not discuss. we literally veered off course for 3 out of 4 pages.
wanna know how you stop a munchkin from trying to kill a bee hive to gain easy levels? just bring up that the fight wasn't really a proper obstacle and thus not worth the effort. or now if you want, you can treat the bees as a swarm, and port over the Pathfinder bee swarm or use a similar swarm based monster. you can turn it into a fair early game challenge. and you award experience for the swarm.
how about we just get back on course and forget about the "Small Woman" hiding behind a series of persona?
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Post by Kainguru on May 30, 2016 23:38:06 GMT -8
Lolikin, other kin . . . Pseudopsychobabble from the adolescent fantasies of Tumblr. Not a fact based condition, not an empirically evidenced condition. As to the whole Loli and being offensive - it has been explained to you many many times why. Just because the label says over the age of consent the images don't: like I said, it's a bit like the local tobacconist selling bongs labelled 'not for the consumption of illegal substances' . WTF else would a bong purchaser do with a bong, we all know what it's for <nudge nudge wink wink>. Describing "up skirt" and combining it with an image of a 12 year old girl (label her how you want, 26 or what, by your own words "looks 12") and add to that sexually provocative behaviour (again your own words) and yeah, fuck you, that pretty offensive. Wah, wah I'm triggered, where's my safe space? NO! Fuck that pussy shit - I'd rather stand up and say to your face (so to speak) IT'S OFFENSIVE. Not like you haven't been told before and asked to wind it in: with no success. Images of children being sexually provocative, label the image 'age of consent' all you want the images without your whispered caveats are those of children, says something about the person preoccupied with imagery. There is reason they sought to ban Lolicon is Japan - because it is so offensive on so many levels. So let's address your other inconsistenties to round out the tally. Now that we know you subscribe to bullshit tumblrisms I wonder about the other possible disconnects between the person at the keyboard and this avatar. Let's start with your age? Maybe you're agekin - relating to an age younger than you actually are. Perhaps you're gender fluid or even a non-binary pan/demi-sexual. Shit I couldn't care less if you were a bodice wearing 500lb truck driver from Texas called Phil who likes to wax his monobrow and slip into some shear nylon on the weekends: provided I know it's a Phil I'm talking to. So who is the person actually sitting at the keyboard? - me? I'm an arsehole and exactly who I have always said I am through the long life of this forum, fucking hell there are even links to videos on here so I have nothing to hide: I'm even openly a total cunt, which I imagine is what you're thinking now. How dare I question what you want and call it offensive that's so . . . offensive . . . I bet . . . I bet you want to tell me to 'check my fucking privilege' . . . edit: I mean, sorry sorry I have to add this, other kin and multiples <wipes tears of laughter from eyes> : you do know we Neanderthals on this forum still think furries are pretty fucked up (but we see the joke : ie "fuckin furries" to quote the hosts of HJ) edit2: TBH at first I and several others thought you were a troll, then we thought you might be a sock puppet . . . then we thought you might be a sock puppet troll. Now it's a little stranger than that - you are a 'persona', and all avatars are that, but in attempting to lift the veil we have speculated negatively on the person at the keyboard. We have speculated enough to watch your posts very closely and as an indicator of our concern because we have taken the time and effort to speculate (and speaking for myself I'm a deeply lazy person). To let's call rabbit a rabbit and not a hare (apologies to any hare identifying rabbit kin): the speculation is that there is a huge disconnect between your biological gender assigned at birth (by the oppressive medical patriarchy - hope I'm getting this lingo right cause I'm just crusty old cis scum ) and that of your avatar. Hell you wouldn't be the first on this forum to do that - one of the 'ladies' here still posts as a 'lady' despite being a white cis hetro male (we know, they know we know but WTF who cares they're not offensive and they talk games) - we don't care about that we play games but there is a difference in role playing in a game and playing a role in real (virtual) life. One is game the other is suspect . . . The other disconnect we speculated was that you were more likely Gen X than Millennial - for the record I personally recant that speculation 'cause only a millennial or Gen Y could possibly expect to be taken seriously when citing other kin as a valid proposition in the same breath. We crusty old cynical Gen Xer's see that sort of thing and nothing more than self indulgent navel gazing bollocks from entitled middle class wanna be victims of 'the system' running around on the internet trying to out snowflake each other while bitching about oppression of their true identities by 'the privilaged'. As a side note: 'the privileged?' funny how all these oppressed snowflakes have Internet access and the time to contemplate and indulge their 'identity': compare that to people from other walks of life (regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation or culture) where finding food, clothing and safe shelter is an all consuming daily task and guess what snowflakes? You're privileged. Either way your behaviour has been suspicious and long in the waiting to be called to account - that's how the Internet works, there are no police because we can police ourselves. Thus we have sat and watched and waited for the opportunity, and discussed and debated between ourselves while waiting. Now is the hour, cards on the table time, because the final speculation is what it is: whether self consciously or no your posts have reflected an unhealthy preoccupation with children and sex and that demands an explanation not just an apology. Aaron
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Post by Kainguru on May 31, 2016 3:26:48 GMT -8
Back to the OP - looking at the 1e stats (as they include the hive and the Royal Jelly): that's, mathematically, a hard ask. It's a hive so a fuck ton of solider bees with a failure to save vs poison inflicting a massive 5d4+1 (6-21) of damage. That's about 11 hit points per failure and the Royal Jelly only being present 20% of the time and maxing out at being worth up to 5 potions of extra healing. The Jelly won't just be inside the entrance so how many rounds of combat til the PC gets to gobble the Jelly - not to mention it's one 'potion' at a time not all at once. Even our Dwarven cleric will be pressed - don't forget only 1d8 hp/level plus dwarf and con bonus so even at higher levels eg: 8th level you're only looking at about 32hp on average plus dwarf con bonus. 5 good stings (poison save fail) with half decent damage rolls from the soldiers and you're down and out. The valiant PC will be facing off against 1d10 X 20 (20-200) worker bees and 3d4 (3-12) soldiers all to get 1d4+1 (2-5) potions of extra healing with cure disease. The bees are from 3 to 4+ HD and the PC is naked so AC 10 + dex bonus. With that number of bees the PC will be flanked AND attacked from the rear at +4 to hit. That's a hell of a combat, especially if the PC declares they're not combating the bees and just letting them attack unchallenged - so possibly no dex bonus? If the PC survives and the experience points for killing the queen are given - they deserve it because RAW that's not a cakewalk. Those XP were earned for the sheer balls of actually pulling it off Aaron
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Post by ilina on May 31, 2016 12:23:58 GMT -8
i fabricated my identity and it all started because i was lonely when i was younger and was jealous of all these anime protagonists who had perfectly idealized younger sisters. which made me want one of my own, the sexuality isn't because i am a creep or anything, but because i am still young and oversexed. well, if late twenties counted as young, i truly prefer girls of more average proportions, but my intense desire for one of these anime inspired younger sister characters didn't stop at just wanting to have one, i started to want to be one of those pint sized female cuties.
maybe childlike descriptors are the wrong descriptors and i misunderstood things, but i play small sized female characters and generally try to look for an excuse to avoid the downsides of aging within the character. i mean sure, an older age might start with more experience points in some systems, but the eventual roll versus decrepitude can kill a concept.
so i play youthful characters to avoid the roll against decreptitude, and buy more in game time to play the character. i also do it because it is mathematically more effective to start "young" and earn your XP the standard way, than it is to "Start old for the bonus XP'. because the epic slight framed female heroine is an archetype of the genre that consumed me. anime. to watch the small and endearing female character i want to become, take down things many times her size.
the reason i am obsessed with my sexuality, is likely that i have constant perverse thoughts because despite being 27, i am still in many respects, not too different from the way i acted when i was in high school. i hung out with a Raunchy Crowd of Classmates that could put Ryan Reynolds to shame. i still hang out with that crowd. i mean, 9 years since i graduated, and i still haven't changed much mentally.
i mean, i might play hyper perverse characters with eating disorders that have the desired small body type i will never have. one which i may have used the wrong descriptors to describe out of ignorance. but IRL, i would prefer a woman closer to average and more sensible proportions. maybe i shouldn't have used "looks 12". but at the time, i couldn't think of a descriptor for that particular body type because i didn't know one and assumed loli was a valid term for that body type. if i used short, lithe and petite, people would still have called me creepy.
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Post by ilina on May 31, 2016 12:30:02 GMT -8
i hide behind a persona, backstory and personality that is so obviously fabricated, because i really am disappointed with my real self. because i was raised compared to expectations i cannot keep up with and have failed attempting to. i want to be a short, lithe and petite woman, but i can't. so i settle for the persona of Ilina. i would rather be Ilina than the Shameful Self i was born as. a simple surgery and some estrogen wouldn't be enough to fix this. i would at the very least, need to transfer my brain to a synthetic body.
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Post by Kainguru on May 31, 2016 14:21:40 GMT -8
That's a shame that you feel that way about yourself, but hiding behind a fabrication solves nothing. Hell we, the Royal We, are all disappointed at some level with our own lives - very few people have great or significant lives. That probably the appeal of TRPG's, the trick is to establish boundaries and to learn to accept yourself. Psuedopsychobabble about identification and other kin etc, etc isn't helpful it is a form of denial. This community is crusty and cynical BUT it's also understanding and accepting and that helps, only if you are honest about who you are: we have recovering alcoholics, we have people with crippling depression, we have people with weight related health problems and associated self-esteem issues. Some of these people have entire threads of support dedicated to them, but only because we know that that is the problem, that that is who they are . . . The 12 Steps of AA are remarkably effective, even if you eliminate the God stuff and substitute the alcoholism, mainly because its about accepting ones flaws. Stop wishing to be someone else and you may find that the person you are isn't so bad after all - then the fantasy of being your fantasy self, ie: TRPG's, becomes an enjoyable hobby rather than a constant stinging reminder of perceived failure Yeah, you are a victim of modern culture and it's constant veneration of worth only thru perfection. We Gen Xer's were lucky, we had punk to offset the cult of perfection - the veneration of imperfection, bad behaviour and not giving a shit about 'the establishments' expectations . . . So welcome to the forum Ilina, now 'we'(if I may be so bold) understand . . . Aaron
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Post by ayslyn on May 31, 2016 15:15:41 GMT -8
I hate to sound harsh, but harsh shit happens. You need to recognize that, accept it, figure out what you need to move on and do it.
End of last month I lost a good chunk of my dominant foot. The nurses, doctors, cleaners, hell... Everyone, were shocked by how well I was taking that. Did it suck? Abso-fucking-lutely. But, bitching about it won't bring what got amputated back. I accept what happened and am moving on. Silver linings, I've kept the important parts of the foot, and won't be impaired after it's finished healing, and my diabetic neuropathy (sp?) is advanced enough that I can't feel anything.
Now, me. I'm lucky. Aside from physical, medical aid, I don't need any real help with dealing with this. Others do, and mad respect for them, especially when they're smart enough to know they can't deal with it on their own. There is NOTHING wrong with seeking help when you need it. Sometimes the most adult, and strongest thing you can do is admit you need help.
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HyveMynd
Supporter
Dirty hippie, PbtA, Fate, & Cortex Prime <3er
Posts: 2,273
Preferred Game Systems: PbtA, Cortex Plus, Fate, Ubiquity
Currently Playing: Monsterhearts 2
Currently Running: The Sprawl
Favorite Species of Monkey: None
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Post by HyveMynd on May 31, 2016 19:56:40 GMT -8
Shit, man. I'm away for a few weeks, check back to read a nice post about bees, and this is what I get? What the hell is going on here?
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Post by ayslyn on May 31, 2016 22:14:01 GMT -8
Surprise!!!
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Post by Kainguru on Jun 1, 2016 0:35:24 GMT -8
An intervention. Welcome. Besides we got a long way to go before we hit 20 pages. ayslyn - shit that's bad news about your foot. Glad you're on the mend though and, yeah, looking at the silver lining and making the best of what you got, rather than wishing for something you've lost or can never have, is the key. With my bi-polar I remember my break thru moment when I accepted that this is who I am, it's a part in me and it's never going to go away 'so fuck it go with it' - I wasted so many years wanting to be 'fixed' and experiencing angst because after each episode I had to confront the 'grim' reality that this is will happen again. In fact, since saying to myself 'just deal with it and stop getting all antsy about something I can't change', I've actually been a lot more stable (plus a lifetime of adopting some very strict coping mechanisms - like hiding my credit cards from myself if I'm lucky enough to to note the precursors of onsetting mania). Now to get to the next page - should we continue with the OP or get grognardy and talk shit 'bout these young whipper snappers playin on ma lawns? Aaron
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