Cool! I'll jump in here to give you a hand. Lord knows I think
tremulus needs a serious rework.
Stats:Carefulness: Reflexive, graceful, dexterity
Tricksy: Persuasion, Deception, Assertive
Muscle: Aggression, force, strength, brawn
Smarts: Calculating, reason, problem-solving
Curiosity: Perception, wisdom, attention to detail
For stat names, I would unify them by changing them to things the characters
are. So, Careful, Tricksy, Strong, Smart, and Curious. Maybe even change Strong to Tough and Curious to Inquisitive so you avoid having stats that start with the same letter; they're easier to identify that way.
A number of your Player Moves need narrative triggers. A big part of the PbtA engine is the idea of "to do it, you have to do it", meaning the player must narrate their character taking an appropriate action to trigger the mechanics. By not including a narrative trigger for some of the moves, you're not telling the players what they need to narrate their character doing. Most narrative triggers I've seen across the various PbtA games are written like this: "When you (take a specific action or do something in a certain situation), roll+(stat)."
Standardizing the language used in moves is also a good idea, and one of my critiques of
tremulus. While a 7+ is a "weak hit", alternating between 7+, success, and weak hit for different moves is confusing. Plus, if a 6- always results in the Narrator taking 1 hold, you don't need to write it out for every move.
Check Things Out (ROLL+CURIOSITY)
On a success, ask the Narrator questions. Whenever you act on one of the answers, take +1forward. On a 10+ choose 3, on a 7-9, choose 1. On a 6 or less, the Narrator takes +1hold.
What is something here I need to know about?
What is the best way out/way in/way past?
What should I look out for?
Where is there a hidden area, secret, or clue?
Where is there a minor item?
Where is there a good item?
This is one of the moves that really needs that narrative trigger. Right now we don't know what the character needs to do in the fiction to check things out. The player just says "I'm checking things out." and rolls the dice. That's not how PbtA games are meant to work.
I don't like some of these questions either. What kind of information would the player get if they asked "What here is something I need to know about?" The "where" questions also don't seem that great, as they just tell the player the location of something, but not what that something is. The whole finding items thing is something I disliked in
tremulus. My feeling is that Check Things Out style moves are for players to get information they otherwise wouldn't have and to represent the characters putting information together in ways the player can't.
An example of a move I like is
Investigate a Mystery from
Monster of the Week:
All of those questions provide useful information that the character would be able to know because of their monster hunting experience, but that the player doesn't know.
Check a person Out (ROLL+CURIOSITY)
On a 10+ you get +3hold, on a 7-9, +1hold. On a 6 or less, the Narrator takes +1hold. While interacting, you may spend your hold to ask the character questions,1 for 1.
Is your character telling the truth?
What’s your character really feeling?
What does your character intend to do?
What does your character wish I’d do?
How could I get your character to______?
The questions here are much better than the move above as they give the player useful information. But again, you need that narrative trigger telling players what their character needs to do.
GET AWAY (ROLL+CAREFULNESS)
Run, escape, or get out of someone’s grasp. On a 10+, you succeed. On a 7-9, you succeed but with complications: the Narrator can offer you to enter a new/different dangerous situation, take -1harm, or take -1shock.
You've got a narrative trigger here, but I would prefer a different wording. Something like "When you run away from a dangerous situation or break free of someone's grasp, roll+careful." Just like with narrative triggers, writing "you succeed" for the results is bland and boring. It doesn't tell us anything about the move. Something like "You escape to a place of safety" or "You get away safely" would be more interesting. I would also allow the player to choose what happens on a 7-9, not the Narrator.
MOVE WITH GRACE (ROLL+CAREFULNESS)
Sneak, balance, don’t fall. On a 10+ you succeed. On a 7-9, you succeed, but hesitate or flinch and take -1forward.
Just like Get Away, this one needs a better narrative trigger. In what kind of situations would the player have to make this move? Include those in the trigger. Also, the "succeed" result is boring.
Punch or grab (ROLL+muscle)
On a 10+, choose 3. On a 7-9, choose 2.
You take a definite hold of something or someone
You suffer little harm (-1harm)
You inflict terrible harm (+1harm)
You impress, dismay, or frighten your enemy
For PCs, pressing the attack when they’re impressed, dismayed or frightened requires them to Keep Cool.
You need a narrative trigger here. You also haven't stated that the character inflicts harm on a 7+. Without expressly stating that, the only effects that happen are the ones chosen by the player. I wonder if this move is trying to do too much. Is it a move about simply physically harming an enemy, or is it a move about achieving a certain goal in a fight? If it's a fighting move, some of the options don't make sense. If it's a goal achieving move it needs a different name.
KEEP COOL (ROLL+MUSCLE)
Do something quickly or precisely or endure something. On a 10+ you succeed. On a 7-9, you flinch, hesitate, or stall; the Narrator can offer you a worst outcome, a hard bargain, or an ugly choice.
You're close with the narrative trigger here, but that "succeed" result needs to be spiced up.
THE BULLY
Get Your Way: When you want to force someone to do something, you can use your Muscle instead of Tricksy on Persuade or Intimidate.
Hide Emotion: Get +1 to Keep Cool.
Gang Leader. After a successful Persuade or Intimidate , roll+muscle. On a 10+, you get an additional permanent+1 to any Persuade or Intimidate roll for that person. For NPCs on 7-9, you get a permanent bonus but it comes at a price. For PCs, they choose 1:
• The bonus will always apply to them, but they will also get the same bonus in reverse
• The bonus does not apply to them, but they get a -1 to Keep Cool on future Persuade and Intimidate rolls.
Punch Hard: When you inflict harm, inflict +1 harm.
Stare contest. Roll+Muscle. On a 10+, hold 2. On a 7-9, hold 1. Spend your hold 1 for 1 to make eye contact with an NPC present, who freezes or flinches and can’t take an action until you break it off. On a miss, your enemies identify you immediately as their foremost threat.
Berate and insult. +1shock when causing harm.
Get Your Way: I don't see a Persuade or Intimidate move anywhere so it's hard to comment on this, but it looks OK. A stat substitution move.
Hide Emotion: This works, but it's not all that interesting. Moves that just grant a stat boost usually aren't.
Gang Leader: I'm not a fan of the double roll here, nor of the bookkeeping it requires. There is also nothing saying if there is an upper limit on the bonus. What's stopping the player from continuing to use this move for a ridiculous advantage?
Punch Hard: Again, this is OK but not exciting. Not all moves needs to be though.
Stare Contest: You need a narrative trigger here. Otherwise it works. This is a Battlebabe move, isn't it?
Berate and Insult: Why only when causing harm? I would want to see something that allowed the Bully to deal out shock without physical violence, as berating and insulting doesn't have to be done with fists.
THE NERD
Know something. Whenever you handle or examine something interesting, roll+smarts. ON a hit, you can ask the MC questions: On a 10+, ask 3. On 7-9, ask 1:
• who handled this last before me
• who made this
• what strong emotions have been most recently nearby this
• what words have been said most recently nearby this
• what has been done most recently with this, or to this
• what’s wrong with this and how might I fix it.
On a miss, lose an XP.
Outsmart someone. When you try to Figure Someone Out, roll+Smarts isnstead of Roll+curiosity
Confuse and bewilder. Roll+Smarts. On 10+, target person gets -1forward. On 7-9, target PC must Keep Cool or get -1forward, and for an NPC is confused and hesitates/pauses but the Narrator receives +1hold.
Cute nerd. When trying to Persuade and Intimidate, use Roll+Smarts instead of Roll+Tricksy.
Big brain. +1 to smarts.
Snooper. +1 to curiosity.
Know Something: Some of those questions feel too supernatural to me (the one about emotions and words). I would keep these questions to hard facts. Also, I'm really not a fan of that lose XP 6- result. That's not being a fan of the character or player. Why not just have the Nerd get false information? Like have them ask two questions, one of which the Narrator provides false information about.
Outsmart Someone: Good move, but a name I don't care for. The Nerd isn't outsmarting that person, they seem to be using logic to get more information.
Confuse and Bewilder: Not a fan of this, as I don't see what the Nerd does to create this effect. Do they start spouting technobable or drone on and on about some boring scientific process? You need to tell us what is going on here. Also, as the Narrator doesn't roll dice, this move grants no bonus on a 10+ when used against NPCs.
Cute Nerd: Not bad, but I don't like the name. It implies the Nerd is using their appearance to Persuade or Intimidate, but that isn't reflected in the actual mechanics.
Big Brains and Snooper: Both of these work, but as I've said, stat increasing moves aren't my favorite.
THE CHAPERONE
Pull rank. Use roll+trust instead of roll+might when trying to persuade or intimidate a PC.
Sniff lies. Use Roll+Smarts instead of Roll+Curiosity when trying to figure a person out.
Mother Bear Protection. When a PC is in danger, +1forward.
Hip pack. You carry random items that may be necessary in your hip pack. To find a thing (must be able to fit in a hip pack), Roll+Curiosity. On a 10+, you happen to have the thing, or close enough. On 7-9, you have something pretty close unless it is a tool, then no dice. On a miss, you did have it, but it was stolen or lost.
Be prepared. You have a well-stocked and high-quality first aid kit.
Sense of responsibility. Use roll+carefulness instead of roll+trust when trying to help other PCs.
Pull Rank: I'm not sure what Trust is, so it's hard to judge this one.
Sniff Lies: This is the same move the Nerd has. You could try to differentiate it with a narrative trigger.
Mother Bear Protection: This works.
Hip Pack: One of the PbtA principles is that a 7-9 is still ultimately a success. That "unless it's a tool, then no dice" part doesn't follow that principle. The player got a 7-9, and so you need to give them a success, even if it's not exactly the way they would have wanted it. (Side note: This is another reason I disliked
tremulus. There were too many "you don't get anything" or "nothing happens" results, which is not how PbtA games are meant to work.)
Be Prepared and Sense of Responsibility: OK.
This character kind of goes against the teenagers thing you were going for.
THE JOCK
Compete! When in a competition with someone, +1forward.
Wrestle. +1 to punch or grab when wrestling.
Good play. When you’ve successfully figure things out, and you’re acting on the MC’s answers, take +2 instead of +1.
Athlete. Choose +1 to might or +1 to carefulness.
Brave and stupid. If you go into danger without thought, you get +1forward.
Loose cannon. Whenever you inflict him, inflict +1harm.
Compete!: I see a lot of arguing/discussion about what exactly a "contest" is. You really need a narrative trigger here to help clear up that ambiguity. It's also mechanically rather flat.
Wrestle: Similar to Compete!, a +1 when doing something isn't that interesting. This also goes back to my question about what the Punch or Grab move is trying to do.
Good Play: I think this would fit more with the Nerd.
Athlete: You know my feelings on stat bump moves.
Brave and Stupid and Loose Cannon: These work, but I don't know if they fit the Athlete.
THE LONER
Lash out. When you miss on Keep Cool, +2forward.
Jaded. When you have to Keep Cool, use roll+smarts instead of roll+muscle.
Go unnoticed. Use Roll+tricksy instead of Roll-Carefulness on Get Away.
Insane. You get +1 Tricksy.
Artist’s sensitivities. Withstand shock with roll+curiosity. On a 10+, no shock is taken, on a 7-9, -1 shock is taken.
Artistic expression. When you use or create art, get +1forward.
I feel like you've mixed the Loner with the Artist here, and the character doesn't seem to have a clear direction as a result.
Lash Out: I'm not sure how failing to remain calm means the Loner be better at something later. The move's name implies that the character is going to physically damage someone or something, but that isn't reflected in the effect.
Jaded: The move works, but I would assume that it would reduce the effect of shock.
Go Unnoticed: I dunno. I rather assume that people already know you're there if you have to escape from a situation. I would want to see a move that triggered at the start of the scene that allowed the Loner to be present but unnoticed.
Artist's Sensitivities: The name seems weird; sensitive artists would take MORE shock because of their delicate nature, right?
Artistic Expression: Very broad, and like Lash Out, I don't see how being artistic makes the Loner better at things later on.
THE RAPSCALLION
Scrappy. When you do something that requires you to Keep Cool, roll+tricksy instead of roll+muscle.
Good instincts. Use Roll+Smarts instead of Roll+Muscle when you need to Keep Cool.
Shifty fingers. Use Roll+Tricksy instead of Roll+Muscle when trying to steal something or pickpocket with Punch or Grab.
Diversion. When you did something to cause danger or attention, roll+tricksy. 10+ it is not known that you did it, 7-9 it is known that you did it but cannot be confirmed.
Street smarts. Roll+tricksy instead of roll+curiosity when trying to figure things out.
Go unnoticed. Use Roll+tricksy instead of Roll-Carefulness on Get Away.
Scrappy: I get the sense this is meant to represent the Rapscallion being brave without having to be physically tough, but this is really broad. Keep Your Cool covers situations that require speed and precision, and you've let the character be good in those situations with this move.
Good Instincts: Same here. It's exactly the same as Scrappy.
Shifty Fingers: You haven't said that people can steal or pickpocket with Punch and Grab, which again raises the question of what that move is intended to do. In my opinion, stealing and pickpocketing would be a Keep Your Cool move, as the character is doing something dangerous that requires steady nerves.
Diversion: This is worded oddly as it's all past tense. It can potentially break continuity, as you might be forcing players to forget something they already knew. Like, if characters are present to witness the Rapscallion's diversion, what happens if the player rolls a 10+?
Street Smarts and Go Unnoticed: Stat substitution moves. They work, but I think they could be more interesting.
Overall you've gone really heavy on the Tricksy-related moves for the Rapscallion. That's fitting, but it means the player only has to focus on one stat where others have to focus on multiple to be good.
THE ENTREPRENEUR
Raise funds. At the beginning of the session, roll+smarts. On a 10+ you and the rest of the party have a surplus of money that will be needed. On a 7-9, you will have just enough for what will be needed. On a miss, you’ve lost everything and your party has no money.
Salesman. +1 to Persuade or Intimidate if you are trying to sell something.
Motivate others. When you help or hinder someone, roll+tricksy instead of roll+trust.
Opportunistic. When you hinder someone who’s rolling, use roll+tricksy instead of roll+trust.
Rich. If you need to buy something roll+Tricksy. On 10+ you have more then needed to purchase it. On 7-9, you have just enough, but cannot make another purchase that day. On a miss, you’ve been robbed and have no money.
Charismatic. When you try to persuade or intimidate someone roll+smarts instead of roll+tricksy.
Raise Funds: In addition to needing a narrative trigger, I really don't like the characters losing all their money. If I were a player I would never take this move. That 10+ wording is odd too, as it says whatever surplus the character has will still be needed, implying they'll have nothing by the end of the session.
Salesman: A stat bonus move. Instead of that, why not a move that gets the character money? Like a 10+ gets the Salesman more than the usual price for whatever they're selling, a 7-9 gives them a choice between market price or a better price with consequences.
Opportunistic: Not a fan, as it can only be used on another player which, in my mind, encourages infighting.
Rich: I don't care for the "no more purchases this day" constraint. Like Raise Funds, the 6- result is really harsh. It is also worded in the past tense, meaning it happened off screen. That's kind of boring.
Charismatic: I realise there isn't a physical appearance or charm stat, but Smarts doesn't seem to fit here.
Phew that was long.