"Hey man, I'm just playing my character."
Apr 13, 2012 22:42:13 GMT -8
Post by tyler on Apr 13, 2012 22:42:13 GMT -8
From a post over at reddit.com/r/rpg:
My friend emailed me this session recap from a mutual friends game. I had a hearty lol.
"so i told you about how killen is stuck in some kind of dungeons and dragons limbo, playing with some of the most tepid human beings to ever grace the diagnosis of aspergers ever, right?
Well, about an hour after you called me and told me about that hook-up, killen calls me to tell me about how his THIRD CHARACTER THIS CAMPAIGN just died last night.
oh boy.
"Well, we killed these monsters, right, and then we got the deck of many things." RED FLAG.
So first things first, Rick, captain career player, the guy who can't go ten minutes without popping open a splat book and looking something up, actually does something interesting. He goes for the power draw and just beefs a handful of cards off the top... and actually does ok.
first card. free 10,000 xp. bossy.
second card. lose all mundane objects and currency. OH NO! NOT MY NON-MAGIC ITEM MATERIAL WEALTH. I'LL HAVE TO BORROW ROPE AND TORCHES FROM EVERYONE ELSE IN THE PARTY IN THE HISTORY OF DND EVER.
Third card. get a free keep. WELL I WAS WORRIED ABOUT LOSING ALL MY SHIT, THEN I GOT MY OWN CASTLE. LOL.
fourth card- get fucked, fight a dread wraith. This would have been a problem, if not for 2 things- 1, Rick is a cleric and he just leveled from that 10,000xp card. 2- Rick was wearing some kind of magic boots of gayness that gave him a 70 feet move speed, so he just sprinted away from the dread wraith to go pray up some new spells then ran back later. Ok, so put that mental image in your head- there's a cleric, wearing his nikes, running away from this intelligent undead until he can put enough distance between them to charge up his ghostbuster powers, then come back and shit-kick it.
Well that's nice.
Let's go around the table to our next contestant, Douchebag the Rogue.
Douchebag the rogue is one of those career assholes who plays the bad guy, and then hides behind his career choice by roleplaying it away. Or at least, that's his modus operandii. STEAL SHIT FROM THE PARTY. ITS NOT PERSONAL GUYS, I'M JUST PLAYING MY CHARACTER.
Remember that. All campaign, its the same story- ITS NOT PERSONAL BRO, IM JUST PLAYING MY CHARACTER.
Keep repeating that mantra Douchey, keep believing it will save you. BECAUSE TONIGHT, YOU.
Ok, so lets get back to killen. He rips one right off the top of the deck and BAM- what an epic peel. Void. He gets teleported to the lower planes.
NOW HERE'S THE FUN PART.
Killen manages, through some feat of DM handwaving or pure serendipity, to get an audience with a demon prince. The Demon prince tells him, "Sure buddy, I'll send you back to the prime material, but these are the rules- you're chaotic evil now, and you have to take this soul gem with you, and kill ten beings more powerful than yourself and also you must slay the followers of Bahamut and defile their temples wherever you cross their paths. 10 souls, you're off the hook."
So Killen says, OK, gets back in the demonic Bill and Ted telephone booth, and zap, he's right back where he was standing 2 minutes ago before the yawning cavernous abyss ripped reality asunder and swallowed his soul.
"So uh, where you been?" The party asks.
Fortunately, Killen isn't stupid. He knows if he tells the party that he just made a deal with Draino-Robo-Satan from the Lower Plane of Bowel Obstruction or whatever, the party is going to murder him and take his stuff, and because he's chaotic evil now, TECHNICALLY UNDER THE RULES OF DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS OBJECTIVE ALIGNMENT, they'll totally sleep well at night knowing they did a good deed.
So Killen bluffs them. Successfully. through a miraculous die roll. "BRO, JUST TAKING A POWER NAP."
Oh wait, no we aren't satisfied with that. Because this is a crappy group of career D&D players and dickhole metagamers to boot. So this conversation goes on for like 20 minutes.
In the middle of the dungeon. Where they just killed some driders. HOLD ON GUYS, WE'RE GONNA STAND HERE AND TALK ABOUT THIS. RIGHT NOW.
Meanwhile, The DM is rolling dice behind his screen, getting an erection, and telling people to take listen checks.
"Bro, tell us what really happened or I'm casting suggestion." "bro, don't be a dick bro." "come clean bro, don't make me bro down." "oh so now you have the brothority to call a bro down, bro?" "bro i'll do it bro" "Hey wait seriously, I think I hear monsters." "Don't try to change the subject, bro." "Nah bro really, take a spellcraft check- they're outside that door casting buff spells on themselves, bro." "You bluffin me again bro?" "Bro!"
-ROLL INITIATIVES-
(Not actually the conversation verbatim, but fairly accurate.)
So it turns out, there's this awesome concealed titanium door or some garbage secret entrance or plot hole that this giant Drow war party outside can just pop right open and walk through. Yea whatever, underdark or something. Shit happens.
So now the party is fighting these mobs. Killen charges in and starts facefucking left and right, because he's some kind of perfect alchemy of fighter feats and prestige classes that allows him to deal 100+ damage a round... at level 4. Whatever, D&D 3.5 is a good game. There's no possible reason why anyone would want to play Pathfinder or 4E instead. Nope, none at all.
Eventually though, the party realizes that they're fighting what is fundamentally the entire house guard of house bitchestopheles of menzoberenzenrenenenan, and decide to book it.
So, as the king of all DICK MOVES, Douchey the rogue shuts and bars the super plot hole door of badness to keep the mobs out.
With Killen on the other side. ten feet away from it.
"Dude what the fuck. I was gonna be through that door like next round."
"ITS NOT PERSONAL BRO, ITS WHAT MY CHARACTER WOULD HAVE DONE." famous last words, motherfucker.
What Douchey did not account for was how good Killen was at minmaxing, and that he was a dungeon crasher- a prestige class literally designed to hockey check people into walls and knock down doors.
SO GUESS WHO KNOCKS DOWN THE FUCKING DOOR, ITS KILLEN, OUT OF LEFT FIELD. CAN'T BREAK MY STRIDE, CALL THE COPS I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
meanwhile, the party is booking it.
party successfully books it.
They all meet up again and look who is back? Its Rick the cleric with his nikes, and after running halfway across the country like Forrest Gump or some shit, he's back to fight that dread wraith, which has pretty much just been hanging out and waiting patiently.
"Sup."
"Ok I can fight you now."
"Ok, remember the rules, if any of your buddies help, another one of me pops up and fights them, and it goes on like that, et cetera."
"Yea whatever, i ain't scurred. bring it, Slimer."
So the party gathers around and watches as the cleric first buffs himself to be immune to negative energy and energy drain, and then proceeds to begin the process of nickel-and diming the wraith to death by spontaneously casting his whole spell portfolio as cure spells.
Meanwhile, Douchey the rogue is standing near a wall. Killen 5 foot steps to the left to line up an ideal charge, that will result in a free bull rush into said wall, granting an extra twenty some odd bonus damage in change.
"Hey bro, remember how you locked me out of that room and left me to die, all platoon style with those drow?" He asks Douchey the rogue.
"Yea, its not personal bro, I was just playing my character."
"Yea, well, remember how I went to hell for a vacation and came back chaotic evil? So... I haven't really forgotten about that. Or forgiven. Also, I charge you. Does a 23 hit your AC? Yep, it does."
"WHAT THE FUCK BRO"
"I charge you, hit, roll a pound of dice for damage because my character is power attacking with roided out min-max optimization, and then I freebie bull rush you into that wall and get another pound of dice. How's that floor taste, bro? Does it taste like all the teeth I just kicked out of your mouth?"
"WHAT THE FUCK BRO!"
"Its not personal bro, I'm just playing my character!"
Over the course of a single round of combat, Killen makes sure there's not enough left of Douchey the rogue to scoop into a soup can. The grand total ends up putting his hit points somewhere in the negative sixties.
The party naturally turns on Killen, casts blind, and puts him down.
Meanwhile, Douchey is furious. Killen is pretty much having the best day of his life.
"WHY'D YOU KILL ME, BRO?"
"ITS NOT PERSONAL BRO, JUST PLAYING MY CHARACTER!" Killen sneers.
"Don't worry" The party insists. "We can just pool our money and raise dead you."
"Well actually you can't." Killen reminds them. "Because I was carrying that evil soul gem on me, and it funneled away his spirit when I killed him. So uh, technically he's down in hell with me now. For eternity or until some demon eats his immortal essence for lunch, whatever comes first."
DEAL WITH IT"
My friend emailed me this session recap from a mutual friends game. I had a hearty lol.
"so i told you about how killen is stuck in some kind of dungeons and dragons limbo, playing with some of the most tepid human beings to ever grace the diagnosis of aspergers ever, right?
Well, about an hour after you called me and told me about that hook-up, killen calls me to tell me about how his THIRD CHARACTER THIS CAMPAIGN just died last night.
oh boy.
"Well, we killed these monsters, right, and then we got the deck of many things." RED FLAG.
So first things first, Rick, captain career player, the guy who can't go ten minutes without popping open a splat book and looking something up, actually does something interesting. He goes for the power draw and just beefs a handful of cards off the top... and actually does ok.
first card. free 10,000 xp. bossy.
second card. lose all mundane objects and currency. OH NO! NOT MY NON-MAGIC ITEM MATERIAL WEALTH. I'LL HAVE TO BORROW ROPE AND TORCHES FROM EVERYONE ELSE IN THE PARTY IN THE HISTORY OF DND EVER.
Third card. get a free keep. WELL I WAS WORRIED ABOUT LOSING ALL MY SHIT, THEN I GOT MY OWN CASTLE. LOL.
fourth card- get fucked, fight a dread wraith. This would have been a problem, if not for 2 things- 1, Rick is a cleric and he just leveled from that 10,000xp card. 2- Rick was wearing some kind of magic boots of gayness that gave him a 70 feet move speed, so he just sprinted away from the dread wraith to go pray up some new spells then ran back later. Ok, so put that mental image in your head- there's a cleric, wearing his nikes, running away from this intelligent undead until he can put enough distance between them to charge up his ghostbuster powers, then come back and shit-kick it.
Well that's nice.
Let's go around the table to our next contestant, Douchebag the Rogue.
Douchebag the rogue is one of those career assholes who plays the bad guy, and then hides behind his career choice by roleplaying it away. Or at least, that's his modus operandii. STEAL SHIT FROM THE PARTY. ITS NOT PERSONAL GUYS, I'M JUST PLAYING MY CHARACTER.
Remember that. All campaign, its the same story- ITS NOT PERSONAL BRO, IM JUST PLAYING MY CHARACTER.
Keep repeating that mantra Douchey, keep believing it will save you. BECAUSE TONIGHT, YOU.
Ok, so lets get back to killen. He rips one right off the top of the deck and BAM- what an epic peel. Void. He gets teleported to the lower planes.
NOW HERE'S THE FUN PART.
Killen manages, through some feat of DM handwaving or pure serendipity, to get an audience with a demon prince. The Demon prince tells him, "Sure buddy, I'll send you back to the prime material, but these are the rules- you're chaotic evil now, and you have to take this soul gem with you, and kill ten beings more powerful than yourself and also you must slay the followers of Bahamut and defile their temples wherever you cross their paths. 10 souls, you're off the hook."
So Killen says, OK, gets back in the demonic Bill and Ted telephone booth, and zap, he's right back where he was standing 2 minutes ago before the yawning cavernous abyss ripped reality asunder and swallowed his soul.
"So uh, where you been?" The party asks.
Fortunately, Killen isn't stupid. He knows if he tells the party that he just made a deal with Draino-Robo-Satan from the Lower Plane of Bowel Obstruction or whatever, the party is going to murder him and take his stuff, and because he's chaotic evil now, TECHNICALLY UNDER THE RULES OF DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS OBJECTIVE ALIGNMENT, they'll totally sleep well at night knowing they did a good deed.
So Killen bluffs them. Successfully. through a miraculous die roll. "BRO, JUST TAKING A POWER NAP."
Oh wait, no we aren't satisfied with that. Because this is a crappy group of career D&D players and dickhole metagamers to boot. So this conversation goes on for like 20 minutes.
In the middle of the dungeon. Where they just killed some driders. HOLD ON GUYS, WE'RE GONNA STAND HERE AND TALK ABOUT THIS. RIGHT NOW.
Meanwhile, The DM is rolling dice behind his screen, getting an erection, and telling people to take listen checks.
"Bro, tell us what really happened or I'm casting suggestion." "bro, don't be a dick bro." "come clean bro, don't make me bro down." "oh so now you have the brothority to call a bro down, bro?" "bro i'll do it bro" "Hey wait seriously, I think I hear monsters." "Don't try to change the subject, bro." "Nah bro really, take a spellcraft check- they're outside that door casting buff spells on themselves, bro." "You bluffin me again bro?" "Bro!"
-ROLL INITIATIVES-
(Not actually the conversation verbatim, but fairly accurate.)
So it turns out, there's this awesome concealed titanium door or some garbage secret entrance or plot hole that this giant Drow war party outside can just pop right open and walk through. Yea whatever, underdark or something. Shit happens.
So now the party is fighting these mobs. Killen charges in and starts facefucking left and right, because he's some kind of perfect alchemy of fighter feats and prestige classes that allows him to deal 100+ damage a round... at level 4. Whatever, D&D 3.5 is a good game. There's no possible reason why anyone would want to play Pathfinder or 4E instead. Nope, none at all.
Eventually though, the party realizes that they're fighting what is fundamentally the entire house guard of house bitchestopheles of menzoberenzenrenenenan, and decide to book it.
So, as the king of all DICK MOVES, Douchey the rogue shuts and bars the super plot hole door of badness to keep the mobs out.
With Killen on the other side. ten feet away from it.
"Dude what the fuck. I was gonna be through that door like next round."
"ITS NOT PERSONAL BRO, ITS WHAT MY CHARACTER WOULD HAVE DONE." famous last words, motherfucker.
What Douchey did not account for was how good Killen was at minmaxing, and that he was a dungeon crasher- a prestige class literally designed to hockey check people into walls and knock down doors.
SO GUESS WHO KNOCKS DOWN THE FUCKING DOOR, ITS KILLEN, OUT OF LEFT FIELD. CAN'T BREAK MY STRIDE, CALL THE COPS I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
meanwhile, the party is booking it.
party successfully books it.
They all meet up again and look who is back? Its Rick the cleric with his nikes, and after running halfway across the country like Forrest Gump or some shit, he's back to fight that dread wraith, which has pretty much just been hanging out and waiting patiently.
"Sup."
"Ok I can fight you now."
"Ok, remember the rules, if any of your buddies help, another one of me pops up and fights them, and it goes on like that, et cetera."
"Yea whatever, i ain't scurred. bring it, Slimer."
So the party gathers around and watches as the cleric first buffs himself to be immune to negative energy and energy drain, and then proceeds to begin the process of nickel-and diming the wraith to death by spontaneously casting his whole spell portfolio as cure spells.
Meanwhile, Douchey the rogue is standing near a wall. Killen 5 foot steps to the left to line up an ideal charge, that will result in a free bull rush into said wall, granting an extra twenty some odd bonus damage in change.
"Hey bro, remember how you locked me out of that room and left me to die, all platoon style with those drow?" He asks Douchey the rogue.
"Yea, its not personal bro, I was just playing my character."
"Yea, well, remember how I went to hell for a vacation and came back chaotic evil? So... I haven't really forgotten about that. Or forgiven. Also, I charge you. Does a 23 hit your AC? Yep, it does."
"WHAT THE FUCK BRO"
"I charge you, hit, roll a pound of dice for damage because my character is power attacking with roided out min-max optimization, and then I freebie bull rush you into that wall and get another pound of dice. How's that floor taste, bro? Does it taste like all the teeth I just kicked out of your mouth?"
"WHAT THE FUCK BRO!"
"Its not personal bro, I'm just playing my character!"
Over the course of a single round of combat, Killen makes sure there's not enough left of Douchey the rogue to scoop into a soup can. The grand total ends up putting his hit points somewhere in the negative sixties.
The party naturally turns on Killen, casts blind, and puts him down.
Meanwhile, Douchey is furious. Killen is pretty much having the best day of his life.
"WHY'D YOU KILL ME, BRO?"
"ITS NOT PERSONAL BRO, JUST PLAYING MY CHARACTER!" Killen sneers.
"Don't worry" The party insists. "We can just pool our money and raise dead you."
"Well actually you can't." Killen reminds them. "Because I was carrying that evil soul gem on me, and it funneled away his spirit when I killed him. So uh, technically he's down in hell with me now. For eternity or until some demon eats his immortal essence for lunch, whatever comes first."
DEAL WITH IT"