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Post by kaitoujuliet on Jun 29, 2017 14:17:28 GMT -8
WARNING: Long, self-pitying wall of text below. TL;DR, how do I get my mojo back?
I feel like I've been in a downward spiral as a GM over the last year or so. My GMing experiences have become fewer and worse.
At one point, I was highly active with two different gaming groups (one oneline, one in person). I ran all of Tyranny of Dragons for the online group, plus a couple of follow-up adventures. It was my ambition to get that party up to level 20 so we could all experience the full range of levels in D&D 5E. The follow-up adventures both started out badly, and although they did come to successful conclusions, it felt like an uphill battle.
So in early September, I decided to take some time off, hoping one of the other players would step in and run some games as he'd been talking about doing, allowing me to recharge my batteries as a player. But then that guy got sucked into another commitment and didn't have time to prep games. Okay, fair enough.
I thought I'd run a one-shot of Death House in October; the group really likes Ravenloft, and hey, it was just a one-shot, right? But the group hated the ending, and although we had an interesting conversation about it, it left a bad taste in my mouth.
I should say that I fully acknowledge that I could have handled parts of all these adventures better. But I only realized that in hindsight.
That's the online group. My in-person group plays a variety of systems, both "traditional" and indie games. But we had trouble getting together in 2016 due to a variety of scheduling problems, and in 2017, our play has been just as spotty due to the fact that one member of the group is having fairly serious health issues. I absolutely don't begrudge the fact that this disrupts our schedule, but it does mean that I have fewer opportunities to "get back on the horse." (For anyone who's worried, his treatments are going very well.)
I had a brief bright spot in January when I ran several successful sessions of Leverage in preparation for a con. But the con itself was kind of a disaster. I ambitiously scheduled myself to run three games, partly because I was already feeling starved for a chance to game. One went well, one had the problem of starting out badly again, and the last one (an indie game) was a complete disaster. I was trying to teach the game with a migraine and at one point had to leave the table to go throw up. And of my four players, two got up and left before the slot was over.
That was a major blow to the confidence. I wanted just to play for a while, but that's been irregular for reasons mentioned above. This week, only part of the group could make it, so I thought we could try out Microscope. No prep, no GM, and all I have to do is teach. Should be a nice way to ease myself back into running games, right? And I was so sure that the hardest-to-please person in our group would like the game, because she hates crunch and fiddly bits, and this is so simple. But at the end of the session, when I asked how people liked the game, she said she disliked it because it was "not collaborative," and she didn't want to play again.
That might not be so bad if it weren't on top of all these other things, but it is; part of GMing is choosing the right game for the group, after all. And then there's the fact that my mother passed away unexpectedly at the beginning of June, which isn't helping anything.
I'd been throwing myself into planning to restart the online group's game as a project to distract me, but now I just don't know if it's worth it. I tried listening to recordings of our old, fun sessions to cheer me up, and all I can hear are the places where I missed cues that the players wanted to do something different or where I was scrambling to react to things they did. And the online group isn't sure when we can restart anyway.
I've also committed myself to teaching some indie games at a con later this summer, and I just don't know if I'll be ready. Or whether I'm ready to run for either of my other groups. Or whether the online group even really wants me to run, or whether they're just being polite. GMing suddenly seems so hard, and every choice I'm tempted to make about a game suddenly seems guaranteed to be wrong.
What's a GM who's lost faith in his/her abilities to do?
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Post by ayslyn on Jun 29, 2017 14:45:29 GMT -8
This will sound a little glib, and for that I apologize. What you're dealing with is serious. As a writer, believe me, I know just how. But often the best advice can be.
The single best advice that I have read about writing was from Orson Scott Card. You need to cut the cord and let your story go. Embrace the fact that it will not be perfect, and that dwelling on it, and trying to make it so will drive it further away from perfect.
Not exactly on point, but the concept is the same. You made mistakes. Grats. You are just like the rest of us. Even our hosts. Stu kvetched about the bear. He could have made the bear a Nazi experiment, allowing him to bring the story back on track. (No disrespect to Stu. But as we all know the bear story, it makes a great frame of reference)
I mentioned this last night in the chat, but this is one of the reasons why you never edit your own manuscript. You keep finding the little things you don't like and you will never finish it.
Anyway. I understand what you feel. I have been right there myself, both as a GM and a writer. Thinking about it, I think that I might be there right now. My last couple of games have gone poorly. So, understand that you are not alone.
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Post by ericfromnj on Jun 29, 2017 15:44:03 GMT -8
Just keep exercising that GM muscle as much as you can without going overboard.
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Post by chronovore on Jun 29, 2017 17:41:11 GMT -8
I was going to charge in with "you just need to get back up on that horse" (or bear), but it almost sounds like you're sabotaging yourself. It sounds like you're either trying too much at once, or reviewing old content and focusing on the missed opportunities. At the very least, you're focused on the negative instead of the positive:
Your Leverage prep games went well. At the con, one went bad, one started poorly, and one went well. I'm not sure how many prep games you ran, but from one perspective you ran at least four RPGs, and two of them went well. There are a slew of HJRPG listeners who are already jealous that you had the stones (or dice) and made this happen.
So give yourself some credit.
I would like to hear how Microscope could be considered "not collaborative." The one Actual Play I've seen of it made it look uniquely collaborative. How did it turn out that she felt that way?
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Post by uselesstriviaman on Jun 29, 2017 18:45:09 GMT -8
Specifically about the migraine game: I completely empathize with you, and I'd also be extremely reluctant to cancel a convention game I'd promised to GM, but I do think you should have bowed out of that one.
It sounds like you've discovered that you actually have a limit when it comes to convention GMing. (I too found my limit the hard way.) Out of curiosity, did you run the same event three times, or did you run three separate events? If the latter, you might consider instead re-running the same event multiple times. It significantly cuts down on your prep time, and it lets you fine-tune things as you go.
It definitely sounds like you need to step away from the GM screen for a bit, just to give you a chance to rebuild that mojo.
My most sincere condolences about your mom. It's utterly devastating. And I'm glad your friend is recovering, but if your primary group is having scheduling issues you might want to get a little gaming action in on the side, but I'd definitely stick to being a player. For now, at least.
Keep your chin up and yer wits about ye, lass. It'll all work out in the end. (And if it hasn't worked out, that just means it's not the end yet.)
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Post by chronovore on Jun 29, 2017 19:09:06 GMT -8
Oh, my goodness, I completely blanked out the sentence about your mother. Losing a parent, particularly unexpectedly, is utterly traumatic. My most sincere condolences.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2017 23:13:10 GMT -8
kaitoujuliet My advice is to stop trying to please everyone. Find a game you want to run and people who want to play in it. Trying to find a game that fits a persisting group of opinionated people is poison. It's impossible to please everyone, so stop trying. If they don't like a game, let them step out. As long as you and some other portion of the table are enjoying it, rock on. Especially in the realm of online gaming, it isn't hard to find players (or for players to find groups). You need to be excited about the game, or its unlikely anyone else will be. It's hard to be exited about a compromise that you picked because you are trying to please people. Good games come from a place of passion. Find that passion and people who want to share it with you.
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Post by uncommonman on Jun 29, 2017 23:27:50 GMT -8
Maby you need a break.
Sometimes you need to take a step back and think about what you really want.
Is it the story telling, the companionship or the opportunity to expand the hobby that is most interesting to you?
Try playing a few games, join a group as a player, start a group for people that never played before or write a blog and keep going from there.
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SirGuido
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Post by SirGuido on Jun 30, 2017 4:39:17 GMT -8
Before I say anything else I want to say this:
I'm sorry for your loss. That's an incredibly tough thing to deal with and you can't be expected to get past that quickly, give yourself time.
Now that I've said that, buck up sister. GMing is pain. It just is. Sure, its lots of fun, but its also a lot of headaches. Take my current game for example. I'm running an online dungeon crawl using Pathfinder on Roll20. I spent a few weeks prepping this game. I made my own maps, created all the traps and puzzles put in a rich backstory, organized and coordinated the group, and basically did so much work. Thus far, its been an absolute shit show. First week we got some gaming in, but between a couple players who wanted to act like toddlers with a new toy and fuck around with Roll20 for most of the game, one player who didn't really play because his connection was shitty, another player having to leave early, and me being completely distracted by tech issues, it just sucked. Ayslyn and flyingjackelope were sweet and said it was fine, but I know better. The last session was ended after an hour because of tech issues. My system kept locking up, it dumped me out of the call a couple times, Roll20 seized up a few times, etc. Oh and before the game even started, second session, I had a player tell me he wasn't going to make it because he was going to be "out". Basically "your game isn't interesting enough for me". I'm positive that if I hadn't posted on Facebook looking for a replacement, he wouldn't have played. He did though, but then it went to shit.
The game I ran before this went to hell too. I was running Wild Talents and at first it started out great, the players were very into their characters and their abilities. I gave them all interesting abilities so they loved like diving into the abilities and seeing how they could manipulate them. One guy had the ability to store different forms of energy. He could grab a power line and absorb the electricity, storing it away for use later. Well, he decided to get an iron pipe and wrap it with a metric asston of copper wire. He would then feed some of that electricity through it to use it as an electromagnet. Took care of some light handgun fire in one scene. But it didn't take long before they got bored, and I could see it. I kept throwing in cooler scenes and more tense stuff(like the objects of their Loyalty being kidnapped), but it didn't help. Eventually the host just... stopped having us over and we stopped playing. This keeps happening to me over and over. To me, this is an indicator that I'm a shit GM. People keep saying I'm not, but I don't see how they can say that.
Whether I'm bad at this or not, I still keep going. I keep plodding along and making games and running them. Because somebody has to. That con game was totally not your fault. Migraines are total mood killers every time. That game was never going to be good with you having a migraine. Brush that one off for sure. As far as the Microscope game goes, you can't be responsible for how one player feels about that game. You made an informed decision about what they would like and one player didn't. Totally not on you. The other things are incidental and will happen from time to time(or in my case, constantly), you just gotta push past them.
Good luck!
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Post by ericfromnj on Jun 30, 2017 7:52:54 GMT -8
I completely missed the mom thing. That's going to affect things no matter what.
I am terribly sorry for your loss.
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Post by ayslyn on Jun 30, 2017 12:11:30 GMT -8
Same here. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Also, I do believe that this might be the first time that someone has called me sweet without sarcasm. ^.^
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fredrix
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Post by fredrix on Jun 30, 2017 15:08:23 GMT -8
Hey thinking of you. It's hard to lose your Mom early, I know.
You are working hard to try and please a bunch of people. And you think you are failing (I don't think you are, but what I think isn't important). You should take some time for yourself. That might mean taking some time out and away from gaming to relax, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it will be running THE game that you want to run. Not trying to please particular players, but letting the game that inspires YOU draw them into its world.
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Post by kaitoujuliet on Jul 1, 2017 6:54:15 GMT -8
Thanks to all who have answered. I truly appreciate everyone's thoughts and encouragement, and would welcome any other ideas you have to share. Just a few clarifications and answers to questions... I would like to hear how Microscope could be considered "not collaborative." The one Actual Play I've seen of it made it look uniquely collaborative. How did it turn out that she felt that way? She didn't like the rule about how when it's your turn to add something, you can't ask for input. She also expressed disappointment that we didn't have more scenes as opposed to periods and events. It's true that she initiated three out of four of the scenes we played out. But we only played four rounds over the course of about 2.5 hours. Specifically about the migraine game: I completely empathize with you, and I'd also be extremely reluctant to cancel a convention game I'd promised to GM, but I do think you should have bowed out of that one. Yes, in hindsight, I should have done that. In my defense, I thought I could get away with it because I wasn't really GMing; I was just planning to teach a GM-less indie game and not take part in the game itself. I thought I could get the rules out and then let it go forward on its own. Ironically, once I threw up, I started to feel better, so when two of my players walked out, I took over one of the abandoned characters and had an okay end of session with the two remaining people. Still, it was quite literally a painful experience. I think I could do the same schedule again if I didn't have a migraine. I ran three different events, but two were no-prep indie games that I just had to teach, and one of those was my standby indie con game (A Taste for Murder), which I could pretty much teach in my sleep. (Actually, I could probably even have taught that one with a migraine, LOL.) I don't know, I've hardly GMed since last September, and haven't played much either. It doesn't seem to be helping. I also worry about losing touch completely. Right now, I'd really like to throw myself into some complex, heroic, entertaining stories. And be around people.
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Post by Stu Venable on Jul 1, 2017 22:03:10 GMT -8
I'm a big fan of taking breaks when breaks are needed.
I started gaming again (and subsequently started the podcast) after I'd had a year or so bout of songwriter's block. And it worked. I've written some pretty good songs since then (some gaming related, some not).
Because of my schedule (with the Faire), I end up getting a 2-3 month break every year, and I think that helps. For that time, I have a totally unrelated creative outlet, and it sort of clears the palate.
Also, I think we generally underestimate how difficult convention games can be. You're often playing with strangers, so you have litle idea what their gaming preferences are -- or if they are compatible with yours. And you often can't tell from a four-hour session what someone's preference is. It's difficult to be all things to all players without that information.
I've had con games that were so mediocre, that it spoiled my mood abou gaming for days. I see running con games as a service to the community in general, but it's not always one I enjoy.
So I don't think you're being fair to yourself to count mediocre con games as a mark against your GMing ability. You seem to be mentally piling on a bit, and I'm sure you know that won't help your confidence as a GM. Suffering from imposter's syndrome occasionally is pretty common for GMs, I think, and having a few setbacks can make GMing seem pretty onerous. And that crisis in confidence can cause a sort of feeback loop.
Also, giving yourself a break to grieve is important. I've had a lot of grieving in the last few years: my marriage ended three years ago. My mother died that same year, and my father died last October. Forstalling that process while diving headlong into something else might just be a short-sighted solution (and not a great one at that). Who knows, processing grief is different for everyone. For me, I needed to take some breaks. Hell, we didn't produce the show for almost a month, so I could get my head together.
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Post by chronovore on Jul 3, 2017 15:25:18 GMT -8
"(…) that crisis in confidence can cause a sort of feeback loop."
This might be a key component in your situation, @kaituojuliet
Changing your vicious cycle to a virtuous one may require a brief pause, as momentum shifts from negative to positive. Have a rest, then run something or a group you trust. Start with a small, near-certain win. Build from there.
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