SirGuido
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Post by SirGuido on Sept 2, 2015 18:32:11 GMT -8
Ok, so I've been neck deep in a real bad depression for several months now. I don't really know what started it. I mean it could be the old standby of me being fat, or who knows what. Honestly I think I know when it started. It started when I got a leg ulcer. For those of you uninitiated to the plights of the morbidly obese... we have circulation issues. Real bad circulation issues. This generally is the cause of that tree trunk leg deformity that you see on bigger folks. Well, mine got so bad that the fluid broke through the skin and caused a roughly 6 inch by 4 inch patch of spongy wet flesh on my calf. This flesh... smelled horrible. I washed it, I used hydrogen peroxide, I wrapped my leg in a tight bandage, I tried everything. Doctor had me going through hoops, but nothing worked. Then one day my boss calls me in and tells me that someone complained about the smell. I was mortified. I'm a fat gamer. I know the stereotypes, so I actively go against them. I shower every day, usually more than once, use deodorant and even use cologne. To be told that I stink was a huge blow to the ego. Eventually after 8 weeks of going to a wound specialist I got the thing all closed up and no more smell. Two weeks after that I get called BACK into the boss's office and accused of shitting on the bathroom floor. Or at least, leaving a mess of it on the floor. Why me? I can only assume its because of my weight. I denied it, they had video saying I was the person in the restroom before the complaint. Now our restroom there had 5 stalls... so uh why is it me that did it? Oh because it was the handicapped stall? So because I'm fat I MUST use the handicapped stall? The fired me. I contacted an attorney, while he said I had a good case he wouldn't represent me because it wasn't an easy win. Same with other attorneys I tried. Work tried to fight me getting unemployment and I finally one after a few appeals since their only evidence was said video. But all of this took so long that by the time I found a job I never got a dime from unemployment. I took a temp job that was in every way... perfect. It was 10 minutes from home, it was east work, I could listen to podcasts and audiobooks etc all day, I liked the people, it was great. Then then ended my contract out of nowhere because they decided they didn't need the temps anymore. Back into depression mode. Now, I have insane insomnia that I can't kick. I go to bed at my normal time every night(11pm) and lay in bed for an hour or more wide awake. Then I come to the living room and try to relax myself which doesn't work, I write stuff down, listen to soothing sounds, etc. Nothing works. Usually my body gives in and around 2 or 3am I fall asleep. Then my body wakes me about 8 and I live my day with no desire to do anything and tired as fuck. I finally got a new job but I don't start until Sept 14th, and I'm scared this depression/insomnia one-two punch won't go away before then and I'll fuck up this chance. This leads to more anxiety, which feeds the depression and insomnia... fuck me.
Sorry, just needed to vent.
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Post by greatwyrm on Sept 2, 2015 19:22:26 GMT -8
Please, pretty please, discuss all this with your doctor. If you have a priest or pastor or spiritual leader of some sort, talk to them, too. In your own words, you know you're stuck in a vicious circle. There are people who make it their life's work to help get you out of it.
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maxinstuff
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Post by maxinstuff on Sept 2, 2015 20:12:52 GMT -8
Ok, so I've been neck deep in a real bad depression for several months now. Please see a professional about this. Really. Get well mate.
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fredrix
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Post by fredrix on Sept 3, 2015 10:55:14 GMT -8
What they said. Get well mate, and I know it's easier here inthe UK with our free healthcare, but see a professional.
And in the meantime, take that insomnia: fill your days with activity. If you drink, give up. If you read on an iPad or similar don't for at least a hour before bedtime, Walk, not becuase you are obese and need to lose weight, but becuase it's free. Get outside and stay outside, for longer each day, walking a bit further, treat walking like your job, until you get a new one. Turn it into game if you want (there!s apps that do that, but you can give yourself mental bennies simply for spending five minutes more on a walk than you did yesterday).
You will still not sleep at bedtime at first because insomnia and depression go hand in hand, but after a few days you will tire yourself out, and sleep like a log. .
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Post by archmagezemoc on Sept 3, 2015 11:17:06 GMT -8
I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for about ten years, I just recently (last three months) started seeing a doctor and taking medication. It really does help, but if your like me and are intimidated by that stuff (took me five months to work up to making an appointment) then in the meantime enjoy this youtube playlist I made. My favorite chill and calm down music I've ever heard, I personally recommend "Impression" and "Departure", easily the best two albums. www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLHbc7m5W-PxmX8AWYoNJSLODa9EfVjc1FGood luck, and I'll send some good vibes through the aether for ya. EDIT: And to add on the Fredrix the walking thing is helpful, even just go out and like, read outside. An hour or two outside really can help the mood. I've gone from walking a half-mile at a time to about five-six now, it's when I do the majority of my Happy Jacks listenin
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SirGuido
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Post by SirGuido on Sept 3, 2015 11:37:10 GMT -8
I have started walking, just for general health benefits. Its really damn hot right now here and humid as hell so its hard but I walk laps around my yard. I am on medication for the depression but have never seen a therapist. I just asked my doctor if he might consider increasing the dose. I'm not like... despondent or anything. Not suicidal in the least. I just lack any and all motivation these days.
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Post by Forresst on Sept 3, 2015 11:37:46 GMT -8
These guys have said nearly everything I was going to say, so I'll just add the one last thing I had. Talk to friends who are near you. You need face-to-face support and possibly hugs. So, get some hugs. We're here and we can tell you all sorts of nice things but computers are shitty huggers.
Also, lawn chair in the sun!
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SirGuido
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Post by SirGuido on Sept 3, 2015 11:39:51 GMT -8
And if it weren't for gaming I might never leave the house. But between my resurgence into Magic: the Gathering and my biweekly rpg group I'm good there. Also I've been prepping a new Traveller campaign and we do chargen next weekend. That will help a lot. Give me something I'm forced to focus on.
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Post by Kainguru on Sept 3, 2015 12:03:42 GMT -8
Medication plus a therapist is far and away more effective than just medication alone. At leg ulcers - next time ask for mesitran, it's a honey based dressing that works wonders with ulcers. Again, as @fredix says, we're a bit spoilt in the UK because the cost is secondary. A therapist would also recommend exercise because - in laymans terms - it encourages the production of neurotransmitter chemicals that counter those being produced by the depression. The best exercise isn't just exercise - laps are good but if you could walk the same distance and arrive at a point that's a reward in itself (a quite spot, a good view, a favourite store etc) then that's help as well . . . Especially if you varied the route each time. The change in scenery focuses your mind on navigating the unfamiliar and thus distracting you from the bad thoughts and the exercise bit of exercise. Another classic strategy, which you have stumbled upon, is to keep doing those things you know we're pleasurable before getting depressed and reminding yourself 'I enjoy doing this'. It's a very early and basic CBT trick that anyone can use - it's not a cure it just helps (we'd buy ourselves and the depressives we were treating ice cream on a hot day, outside in a park etc, while telling them 'doing this is enjoyable' . . . it remarkably simple and effective. Your return to magic is very much in the same vein. As always my best thoughts are with you chief . . . Aaron
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Post by archmagezemoc on Sept 3, 2015 12:30:56 GMT -8
Medication plus a therapist is far and away more effective than just medication alone. At leg ulcers - next time ask for mesitran, it's a honey based dressing that works wonders with ulcers. Again, as @fredix says, we're a bit spoilt in the UK because the cost is secondary. A therapist would also recommend exercise because - in laymans terms - it encourages the production of neurotransmitter chemicals that counter those being produced by the depression. The best exercise isn't just exercise - laps are good but if you could walk the same distance and arrive at a point that's a reward in itself (a quite spot, a good view, a favourite store etc) then that's help as well . . . Especially if you varied the route each time. The change in scenery focuses your mind on navigating the unfamiliar and thus distracting you from the bad thoughts and the exercise bit of exercise. Another classic strategy, which you have stumbled upon, is to keep doing those things you know we're pleasurable before getting depressed and reminding yourself 'I enjoy doing this'. It's a very early and basic CBT trick that anyone can use - it's not a cure it just helps (we'd buy ourselves and the depressives we were treating ice cream on a hot day, outside in a park etc, while telling them 'doing this is enjoyable' . . . it remarkably simple and effective. Your return to magic is very much in the same vein. As always my best thoughts are with you chief . . . Aaron YEs yes yes yes, I've made my wakes nearly into a ritual to get out to " My spot". Find your own spot where the vibes, ley-lines, magnetic poles, voodoo, magma flows, and whatnot are all just right.
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SirGuido
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Post by SirGuido on Sept 3, 2015 20:12:40 GMT -8
Unfortunately I live down a road into a big subdivision neighborhood with nothing in my walking distance except more houses. Damn urban sprawl... But I am getting better. I purposefully make "play dates" with friends to get out and play Magic, hang out, etc. The best thing I've done this whole time was pick up that Blue Beetle project I posted. When I offered to do it I was excited, then I just let it lay for a while. I made myself pick it up one day and look at it and start scratching out ideas. Once that was done things started to flow and I really felt good making something again. But I got kinda back in the dumps when no one seemed to think it was cool. I'm taking it to my game group tomorrow though, and I'm hoping they'll react better.
EDIT: Oh, and I tried a few new things last night for my bedtime routine and they seemed to work fairly well. I slept pretty good. Not very long, only 6 hours, but it was a good 6 hours. Unfortunately I let things get to me a bit today and took a 3 hour nap. There's always tomorrow though.
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Post by ericfromnj on Sept 4, 2015 5:19:06 GMT -8
I can't say anything more than what is above. Depression doesn't have to be suicidal to just be bad. Depression also fucks with your sleep.
Check out some docs and therapists and give them a try.
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Post by ironnikki on Sept 23, 2015 13:12:10 GMT -8
I haven't been able to check the forums as frequently as I used to unfortunately, so I'm a bit late to this one. However, I still wanted you know that I've been in a similar place. For me, it wasn't my weight that was dragging me down, but just a general sense of incompetence. I felt like I was bad at and failing at everything that I was doing, which lead to the conclusion that in that case, I should just stop doing things altogether. Why bother trying when you're doomed to failure from the start?
I still struggle with this occasionally, but therapy really ended up helping me reach a more functional place in my life. I'm rooting for you, dude. Hope that things have begun to turn up for you.
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Post by uncommonman on Sept 25, 2015 7:05:31 GMT -8
I hope everything will work out and if you have a hard time motivating yourself to get exercise try "exercise by proxy", get a bike to use for shopping (cargo bikes are great - I ride one every day at work) or maby you can find a dog to start walking (there is probably a dog in your neighbourhod that would like to take a walk sometimes) or something else that at least gets you out of your house.
Anyway send me a message if you nees to talk with someone at strange hours I am on GMT+1.
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sbloyd
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Post by sbloyd on Sept 25, 2015 9:52:13 GMT -8
SG, do you suffer from sleep apnea? I do. The lack of sleep really fucked with my head for a long time - depression, anger management issues, memory problems. Thank god for my CPAP.
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